Ps. Leonie Smith
Recently I attended the funeral of a beautiful old Christian friend who was just months off reaching her 100th birthday. At the funeral, I bumped into another elderly man who I have affectionately known as “Uncle Jim” my whole life. Now in his eighties, he was definitely showing signs of losing his memory and agility. Despite this, he embraced me with teary eyes and declared how much he still missed his “Normy”. Norm was my dad who passed away in 2002.
When I was growing up the people in my world spent a lot of time connecting as families, especially on Sundays when we all gathered at church and then lingered on together for the rest of the day. There were church picnics, “working – bees”, family camps, Sunday School (Kids Church) concerts and of course, a regular flow of “pot-luck” dinners (oh yes … seven varieties of luke-warm quiches, shop-bought sausages rolls that were always burnt on the bottom, Aunty Flow’s unidentifiable left-overs from the night before and the ever popular jelly cheesecake slice that was gone in 22 seconds because it was the only palatable option!). The church saw many seasons … some wonderful, others very difficult … but generally, people stayed planted for many years because they had truly become like “family” to each other.
Including my parents, there were five couples in the “gang” who literally “walked” through life together from their teenage years and salvation moments, through to marriage, children and finally into retirement. They were a strange bunch of people, vastly different in personality, gifting, race and socio-economic status, but strongly united in friendship and fiercely protective of each other and each other’s children. It was the strength of this friendship forged over many seasons of life, that kept them together and securely planted in their church and in their relationships with God during times of personal tragedy, heartache, offense, success, failure, joys, wealth, poverty, sickness and health. Although I only had 2 sisters, I felt as though I was part of a huge “extended” family.
My mum and dad were the first to graduate to heaven at age 70. I remember watching the rest of the “gang” mourn with equal intensity as we did. For a season, they all seemed completely lost and disoriented. Although sad to watch, it was a testimony to the extraordinary power of long-term friendship built around the common bond of faith in Jesus Christ.
After this recent funeral, I began to really reflect on the whole issue of friendship. Would I have friends standing at my graveside having walked multiple seasons of life together with me? At the risk of sounding old, I feel quite sad to think that we now live in a generation that instantly associates the word “friend” with a number on our preferred social networking site! How loosely we throw this term around allowing ourselves to believe that we belong to a large group of people who would drop everything for us in our time of need and that intimacy may be measured on the amount of “facts” we know about someone rather than the number of real life experiences we have walked though with them. I wonder if we might be wise logging off sooner and investing the redeemed time into building deep and lasting friendships the old-fashioned way … face to face.
Research tells us that we will only ever have a handful of the “real-deal” friendships in our lifetime. Such relationships develop over time and seasons and are tested mercilessly in the furnace of real life. They not only endure but grow deeper and stronger until we can’t imagine our lives without them. Friendship is a gift from God. Even He Himself enjoyed friendship with men. Exodus 33:11 tells us that Moses spoke to God face to face as a man speaks with his friend. Jesus also demonstrated the joy of intimate friendship with a handful of his disciples as they walked together daily. This model of authentic friendship that God has demonstrated for us is based on sacrificial love, unconditional acceptance and a commitment to stay connected even when we don’t feel like it. That’s why I think our spouses should first be our best friend as a prelude to the greater intimacy and commitment of marriage.
I thank God for the authentic, deep and enduring friendships in my life. I haven’t always been as grateful as I should have been and have often wished for more rather than cherishing the ones I have been entrusted with. The times when friends have seemed few and far between were usually used by God to draw me closer to Himself. He is after all, everything we need, but in His wisdom, He continues to delight in blessing us with “flesh-and-blood” companions. It seems that some of the most unlikely people can develop into treasured friends when we seize the opportunity to build something wonderful with God in the centre. Although I loved my schoolyard “gang” of friends, intimacy was destined to fade because the “third cord” (relationship with Jesus Christ) was missing. Consequently, most of these relationships drifted into non-existence as soon as they were tested by physical distance, lack of time spent together or changing life foci. On the other hand, those built around a common faith in Jesus Christ have been difficult to shake despite being confronted by the same challenges.
Friendships like my Mum and Dad’s “gang” don’t just happen. They must be nurtured carefully. If Dad were here to summarise how to build authentic, life-long friendships (and I wish he was), I’m sure he would urge us all to approach friendship with giving in mind, not for how it may benefit us. Friendships built on the agenda of “taking” will only last as long as we can tolerate feeling used and “sucked dry”. In my experience, these kind are best avoided like uncomfortable undies! He would encourage us to spend regular time together building lasting memories, not only accepting the individual into our lives, but also committing to building relationship with the people they love. He would certainly insist that we laugh whenever possible, pray and agree together as part of normal interaction and accept each others “quirkiness” as a gift from God to bring a little more colour into the tapestry of our lives. Finally, Dad would promise us that as long as there is a commitment to working things out no matter what, every difficult, awkward, confronting or hurtful encounter would eventually make the friendship stronger.
God knows who we need in our life and they are seldom who we imagine they will be. The very best friends will challenge us constantly to be better women, to love God and our families more and to constantly reach further in pursuit of our destiny. They will tenderly question us when we are straying from God or behaving badly towards those we love. They will make us laugh, not tolerate our self-pity and will always be there willing to talk when we need a little nurturing.
Let’s never get too busy to build God-centred relationships that will last and may one day keep us secure and grounded when we might otherwise give up or stray from our convictions. Let’s be expressive and sacrificial in our love, slow to take offense and quick to forgive. Let’s be honest and transparent with those we love, boldly crossing comfort lines to speak truth and life into their circumstances. And let’s be the kind of friends who prove faithful and dependable and never grow weary of meeting together and sharing wisdom and laughs regularly despite our busy lifestyles.
When it came time to say our goodbyes at the recent funeral, I overheard “Uncle Jim” talking to my 14 yr old daughter Kimberley; “Your father would have been so proud of you” he said, kissing her multiple times with heavy wet kisses on both cheeks. To my great pride she yielded to the moment, both of us knowing full well that he thought he was talking to me, 20 years ago. We slipped out quietly together, both greatly moved at this man’s great and enduring love of his old mate “Normy”.
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